Wesley Aitkin - "The Dangling Conversation" (March 23, 1969)

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	(liturgical organ music)	0:04
	(liturgical choral music)	4:22
	(cheerful organ music)	7:30
-	Dearly beloved.	10:50
	We are in need of the cleansing	10:51
	of our hearts and souls regularly, as much as we are in need	10:53
	of cleansing our physical bodies regularly.	11:00
	Because of the relative importance of the two,	11:04
	it is especially significant that we should set aside	11:09
	a time when we gather together for corporate worship.	11:13
	For each one of us individually,	11:17
	but all of us collectively to acknowledge	11:20
	before almighty God and in the presence of one another	11:23
	our guilt, our shortcomings, and pray	11:27
	for the forgiveness of almighty God.	11:31
	So may we join our hearts and our voices together	11:34
	in our prayer of confession and for pardon.	11:38
	Let us pray.	11:40
	Oh Lord most holy, God, most mighty,	11:43
	who has found us wanting and yet has not forsaken us,	11:47
	deliver us in these days of Lenten devotion	11:52
	from all the luxuries and comforts	11:55
	of smug private righteousness.	11:58
	Search us deeply, oh God, that in remembering the passion	12:01
	of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ,	12:05
	our minds and hearts may be cleansed of all insincerities,	12:08
	of merely formal poses and dubious devotions.	12:13
	Oh God, we have failed to practice with diligence	12:17
	the elementary drudgery of training	12:20
	our souls to be spiritually competent.	12:22
	Forgive us, Lord, for words uttered without serious purpose,	12:26
	words that have helped us forget our need of thee.	12:31
	Help us now to turn again to thee with real hunger	12:35
	for thy righteousness through Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.	12:38
	And now let us hear the words of scripture	12:46
	as they are recorded in First John, in the first chapter,	12:49
	especially written for people who	12:54
	are in the situation we now find ourselves in.	12:56
	This is the message we have heard from him,	13:01
	that is from Jesus, and proclaim to you	13:04
	that God is light and in him is no darkness at all.	13:09
	If we walk in the light as he is in the light,	13:16
	we have fellowship with one another.	13:20
	And the blood of Jesus his son cleanses us from all sin.	13:25
	Amen.	13:31
	(liturgical choral music)	14:04
	Let us hear the reading of the Word of God.	17:23
	Paul's letter to the Corinthians, first letter, chapter 13.	17:26
	And now I will show you the best way of all.	17:33
	I may speak in tongues of men or of angels,	17:38
	but if I am without love,	17:41
	I am a sounding gong or a clanging symbol.	17:44
	I may have the gift of prophecy and know every hidden truth.	17:49
	I may have faith strong enough to move mountains,	17:53
	but if I have no love, I am nothing.	17:57
	I may dole out all I possess,	18:00
	or even give my body to be burned.	18:03
	But if I have no love, I am none the better.	18:06
	Love is patient, love is kind, envies no one.	18:11
	Love is never boastful, never conceited, never rude,	18:21
	never selfish, nor quick to take offense.	18:29
	Love keeps no score of wrongs,	18:35
	does not gloat over other men's sins,	18:39
	but delights in the truth.	18:42
	There is nothing love cannot face.	18:45
	There is no limit to its faith, its hope, its endurance.	18:50
	Love will never come to an end.	18:57
	Are there prophets, their work will be over.	19:01
	Are there tongues of ecstasy, they will cease.	19:05
	Is there knowledge, it will vanish away,	19:10
	for our knowledge and our prophecy alike are partial.	19:15
	And the partial vanishes when wholeness comes.	19:18
	When I was a child, my speech, my outlook,	19:24
	and my thoughts were all childish.	19:27
	When I grew up, I had finished with childish things.	19:31
	Now we see only puzzling reflections in a mirror,	19:36
	but then we shall see face to face.	19:40
	My knowledge now is partial.	19:44
	Then it will be whole, like God's knowledge of me.	19:47
	In a word, there are three things that last forever,	19:52
	faith, hope, and love.	19:57
	The greatest of these is love.	20:02
	(liturgical choral music)	20:09
	The Lord be with you.	20:45
	Let us pray.	20:49
	Heavenly father,	20:59
	we express our gratitude to thee in this hour	21:02
	for friends who encourage us	21:06
	and who recognize our strong points.	21:09
	We are grateful for friends who help us to see	21:13
	where we are wrong, where we have	21:16
	weak points and need to improve.	21:19
	We are thankful that evil is not so strong,	21:24
	but that we can rise above it	21:27
	when we surrender our wills to thine	21:30
	and seek thy divine grace.	21:33
	We bless thee for victories of health over disease,	21:37
	of love over hate, of unity over division,	21:42
	of understanding over confusion, of truth over error,	21:48
	of beauty over ugliness, for the victory of order	21:55
	over anarchy, spring over winter, and peace over war.	22:00
	We express our gratitude for seed time and harvest,	22:10
	for full barns and full employment,	22:14
	for the abundance of industry, for improved distribution.	22:19
	And for the beginning of a greater sharing	22:25
	of the fruits of honest labor.	22:28
	Oh God, we thank thee for pioneers who point the way	22:33
	to more Christian relationships,	22:36
	Christian relationships in the home, in the university,	22:40
	in the office, in the marketplace	22:46
	and in the halls of government.	22:50
	Most of all, we thank thee that while	22:54
	we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.	22:56
	And we bless thee for our hope of the final triumph	23:00
	of righteousness and the life everlasting.	23:04
	We pray, heavenly father,	23:10
	as we gather here in this sanctuary,	23:14
	that joy may come to unhappy souls,	23:16
	that illumination may dawn upon the uninspired,	23:20
	that courage may come to the crushed,	23:25
	and hope may come into the frustrated.	23:29
	We remember before thee, oh God, our friend and colleague	23:35
	professor Robert Smith, whose death we mourn this morning.	23:38
	We thank thee for his great contribution	23:44
	to his own discipline and to the university at large.	23:46
	We pray thine comfort and strength upon his family.	23:52
	And may we all now share the burdens which he has put down	23:56
	so that his good work may go on through us.	24:02
	Here in this time and hour and place of devotion,	24:08
	may we be equipped by thine grace, each one of us,	24:13
	to meet life or to face death, to fight the good fight,	24:16
	to keep the faith, to finish the course.	24:22
	Therefore do we beseech thee to clarify our sight	24:26
	so that we can see how small are the issues	24:31
	we sometimes mistakenly think are big,	24:34
	and how great are the issues	24:38
	for which Jesus Christ lived and suffered and died.	24:39
	Grant us who worship here a generous	24:45
	portion of his character,	24:47
	and give us his indignation against sinful living,	24:50
	and give us his unbounded love for sinners.	24:56
	We pray for enough of his grace	25:00
	to make us persuasive witnesses for his way of life.	25:02
	So from this time of worship	25:08
	do thou send us out to be better campus citizens,	25:10
	more understanding roommates,	25:14
	more respectful sons and daughters,	25:17
	wiser parents, true scholars, courageous prophets,	25:20
	responsible leaders, good followers.	25:28
	And most of all, faithful witnesses and disciples	25:34
	of thy son, Jesus Christ our Lord.	25:37
	This is our prayer, oh God.	25:41
	And we make it in the name of him who has taught us	25:44
	when we pray to say together, our father who art in heaven,	25:46
	hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come,	25:52
	thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.	25:56
	Give us this day, our daily bread,	26:00
	and forgive us our trespasses,	26:02
	as we forgive those who trespass against us.	26:04
	And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,	26:08
	for thine is the kingdom and the power	26:12
	and the glory forever, amen.	26:15
	It's not only my privilege to greet	26:41
	you this morning and speak to you.	26:42
	It was it also my privilege to travel here this morning	26:46
	on this glorious Sunday morning.	26:50
	So to those of you who sit before me,	26:55
	you share that privilege.	26:57
	To those of you who listen over the radio,	26:59
	I regret that you couldn't.	27:02
	The birds piped us here all the way,	27:06
	announcing the glory of spring.	27:09
	The beauty of nature embraced us.	27:13
	And we felt it's warmth.	27:19
	I greet you all.	27:24
	Recently, I heard a former clergyman tell of his work	27:31
	with rebellious youth in a large metropolitan area.	27:34
	He made the distinction that there were	27:40
	many young people who migrated to hippie type	27:41
	communities because of healthy reasons.	27:44
	The main one being the defiant effort	27:48
	to resist the dehumanizing process which exists	27:50
	in our different social and political systems.	27:55
	He was quick to admit that these unusual communities	27:59
	also attract youth who are seriously ill, mentally,	28:02
	but that the majority of them are conscientious,	28:07
	intelligent, and healthy young people.	28:11
	I recalled the incident of the parents	28:16
	who tracked down their teenage son to such a community	28:18
	in a large city and asked him to come home.	28:21
	The parents received a rather abrupt no,	28:26
	he did not want to go home with them.	28:29
	In fact, he did not even want to talk with them.	28:31
	The reason he gave was that he knew without question	28:34
	that his parents would want him to change.	28:38
	And he felt they not really taken time	28:42
	to find out who he was that they wanted to change.	28:45
	It seems almost impossible that a man and woman	28:52
	could give birth to a son and provide for him and live	28:54
	with him for 17 years and then not know him.	28:58
	Yet I have no doubt that there	29:04
	was truth in the boy's statement.	29:05
	At the same time, I am certain	29:10
	there was truth in the parents' statement	29:11
	when they said that they loved their son dearly	29:13
	and were utterly baffled by his behavior.	29:15
	The intimate trusting relationship that once existed between	29:22
	those parents and their son was left dangling somewhere,	29:26
	and it slowly died from neglect.	29:29
	The tragedy of all this is doubled by the fact	29:33
	that there is not only the shocking discovery	29:36
	of the great loss of intimacy and honest communication,	29:39
	but there is also the long tedious, painful struggle	29:44
	necessary to reclaim any of it, if such is even possible.	29:48
	The dehumanizing process that our youth rebel against	29:58
	suggests distance, indifference, insensitivity,	30:01
	absence of communication, loneliness, isolation.	30:06
	Certainly God did not intend this for his creatures.	30:12
	This is evidence of unhealth, not health.	30:16
	This is evidence of unrighteousness, not righteousness.	30:21
	I point to the way we talk to each other,	30:29
	or fail to talk to each other.	30:32
	Let's consider this.	30:37
	People of today seldom talk to each other	30:40
	about intimate, personal concerns,	30:42
	and when they do, they so frequently mask	30:44
	the concerns or skirt the real issues	30:47
	to such an extent that no one ever hears them.	30:50
	We can talk at length about ideas and about objects,	30:54
	but we seldom dare to get personal about life.	30:57
	The personal conversations about our deeper yearnings,	31:03
	fears, disappointments, differences,	31:06
	hopes are left dangling.	31:12
	They die on the vine so to speak	31:16
	for lack of a serious talker or a serious listener.	31:18
	I'm not suggesting that we strike up conversations	31:26
	with persons on streetcorners or in supermarkets.	31:29
	I have seen people attempt this out of desperation.	31:32
	I am referring to the conversations	31:38
	among us who live closely together, such as families,	31:40
	or people who work together, or people who worship together.	31:43
	The apostle Paul referred to the need we have	31:51
	to speak seriously to each other,	31:54
	and to be heard attentively.	31:57
	He stated that no matter how brilliantly	32:00
	and intelligently we might converse,	32:02
	if we do not have love, we are merely making noise.	32:04
	What must love be, or what must it provide,	32:12
	in order for conversations to be something other than noise?	32:14
	In my thinking, there are two imperatives to love.	32:22
	The first imperative of love is to respectfully	32:27
	take the other person seriously.	32:30
	Respectfully take the other person seriously.	32:36
	That is pay attention to him, and listen to him	32:40
	as if he deserves that kind of attention,	32:43
	regardless of what he's saying.	32:46
	When he's finished saying it, you may say	32:50
	I disagree with you completely.	32:51
	But pay attention to him while he's saying it.	32:55
	The second imperative for love is to reply in utter honesty,	33:01
	insofar is that as humanly possible, and respectful.	33:07
	These may sound easy to accomplish, but they are not.	33:13
	Evidence of the difficulty people have listening	33:18
	to each other attentively and responding honestly	33:21
	is seen in the fact that small controlled discussion	33:25
	or conversation groups are popping up all over the nation	33:29
	in various kinds of settings.	33:32
	They're called everything from discussion groups,	33:36
	tea groups, personal concerns groups, sensitivity groups,	33:38
	encounter groups, all the way to group psychotherapy.	33:43
	This is without even considering the thousands of people	33:48
	who daily seek out and employ individuals	33:51
	to listen to them attentively, take them seriously,	33:55
	and make honest responses	33:59
	in one form of private counsel or another.	34:01
	It is truly a sign of our time	34:07
	that we are unable to speak lovingly to each other,	34:10
	especially when we need to get intimate and personal,	34:14
	without hiring somebody to do the job.	34:18
	Let me reiterate that when I say speak lovingly,	34:23
	I refer to the imperatives of love I mentioned earlier.	34:26
	Loving a person must mean something	34:31
	other than just being nice to him.	34:33
	The delegates to our United Nations work overtime	34:37
	trying to be nice to each other, but you and I both know,	34:40
	and so do the delegates to the UN,	34:44
	that the verbal communications on the floor	34:47
	are frequently anything but honest expressions from one	34:49
	to the attentive, serious listening of another.	34:55
	Conversation which become vehicles for deceit,	35:01
	evasiveness, schemes, plots, or punishment	35:03
	cease to be conversations at all,	35:08
	and become destructive weapons, which, cleverly used,	35:12
	can only increase separation, mistrust and isolation.	35:15
	The hazard is that we have become so intellectually astute	35:24
	and sophisticated in our abilities to explain	35:28
	away rationally that which we see before our very eyes	35:31
	and to tune out mentally and cease to listen to persons	35:38
	who attempt to speak to us seriously	35:42
	that we do this and we're not even aware of it.	35:46
	Otherwise, the thousands of healthy	35:51
	and seriously motivated people who seek out these	35:53
	various group opportunities would not find themselves	35:56
	engaged in such lengthy difficult processes	36:00
	to achieve the imperatives of love I referred to earlier.	36:04
	If what I am suggesting is true, then those who sit	36:12
	at tables to negotiate by conversation,	36:15
	whether in our community of Durham	36:19
	or at the Paris Peace Conferences	36:21
	must admit that the task is not an easy one.	36:23
	I hope for the day when both black and white	36:29
	can sit down and be relatively free	36:31
	to discuss the written agenda before them	36:33
	without being so controlled or strongly influenced	36:38
	by the hidden agendas they carry,	36:41
	mistrust, fear, anger, guilt.	36:45
	Yet I know that much serious and attentive struggle	36:52
	must take place before that might ever be possible.	36:57
	Being under the influence of or control of hidden feelings,	37:02
	such as mistrust and anger, is not a problem confined	37:06
	only to the conference tables.	37:09
	It shows itself at one time or another	37:12
	in every important relationship we maintain.	37:14
	We might call it pouting,	37:19
	playing it cool,	37:22
	being bored,	37:25
	or any other rational explanation	37:27
	that we might attach to it.	37:30
	This is when honest conversations	37:34
	are left dangling in midair.	37:36
	Paul Simon of the singing duo of Simon and Garfunkel	37:42
	has written a striking poem which laments our inability	37:46
	to speak personally or lovingly to each other.	37:51
	They sing it in their own magnetic and piercing style	37:57
	as "The Dangling Conversation."	38:00
	This is the poem.	38:04
	It's a still life watercolor of an Adelaide afternoon.	38:09
	As the sun shines through the curtain lace	38:13
	and the shadows wash the room	38:17
	and we sit and drink our coffee.	38:18
	Couched in our indifference like shells upon the shore.	38:22
	You can hear the ocean roar in the dangling conversation	38:25
	and the superficial sighs, the borders of our lives.	38:29
	And you read your Emily Dickinson and I my Robert Frost.	38:35
	And we note our place with bookmarkers	38:41
	that measure what we've lost.	38:43
	Like a poem poorly written, we are versus out of rhythm,	38:46
	couplets out of rhyme in syncopated time.	38:51
	And the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs	38:55
	are the borders of our lives.	39:00
	Yes, we speak of things that matter	39:04
	with words that must be said, can analysis be worthwhile?	39:06
	Is the theater really dead?	39:11
	And how the room is softly faded,	39:15
	and I only kiss your shadow.	39:18
	I cannot feel your hand.	39:21
	You're a stranger now unto me,	39:24
	lost in the dangling conversation	39:27
	and the superficial sighs in the borders of our lives.	39:29
	The lack of sensitivity to each other's needs,	39:39
	with its resulting separation and loneliness,	39:44
	reminds me of the mother who sadly told me that there was	39:48
	nothing for her teenage son and her to talk about.	39:51
	He is only interested in sports	39:56
	and I don't know anything at all about sports.	39:58
	So there's nothing left for us to talk about.	40:00
	They certainly were existing	40:04
	in the borders of each other's lives.	40:06
	Conversations can be left dangling because one person,	40:14
	hearing the appeal from the questioning or hurting person,	40:18
	may be so engrossed in his own concerns that he will not	40:23
	permit the concern of another to penetrate his defenses.	40:27
	A good example of this was provided by Peanuts this week.	40:34
	I'm certain some of you read it.	40:38
	Lucy asked Charlie Brown, life is a mystery, Charlie Brown.	40:42
	Do you know the answer?	40:48
	Charlie Brown replied be kind, don't smoke, be prompt,	40:51
	smile a lot, eat sensibly, avoid cavities,	40:55
	and mark your ballot carefully, avoid too much sun,	40:58
	send overseas packages early,	41:00
	love all creatures above and below,	41:02
	insure your belongings, and try to keep the ball low.	41:04
	What can you do with that kind of response?	41:12
	I wonder how many little brothers feel that that is the kind	41:17
	of response they get from their older sisters	41:21
	when they ask questions.	41:23
	Or teenagers,	41:29
	if they feel they get that kind of response	41:31
	when they ask questions of their parents.	41:33
	Or I might add parents of teenagers.	41:37
	When parents ask their ask questions of their teenagers.	41:41
	Or a gentlemen of the choir,	41:46
	have you ever felt that you've got that kind of a response	41:48
	when you ask a question of one of your professors?	41:51
	We all are capable of it.	42:00
	And at times we can't avoid doing it,	42:04
	we are human, you know.	42:06
	It is important that we try to realize	42:11
	when we do it and admit it, and then try to get beyond it.	42:12
	Lucy's reply was great because she did not	42:19
	get trapped by the verbal barrage.	42:22
	Instead, she merely responded in terms of the emotion	42:28
	she felt as a result of what Charlie Brown had done to her.	42:32
	She said, hold real still, because I'm going	42:38
	to hit you a very sharp blow on your nose.	42:42
	We are too civilized to go around	42:54
	popping people on their noses.	42:56
	What we do is beat them over the heads with words,	43:02
	with a similar verbal barrage, or we pout.	43:06
	As I suggested earlier.	43:11
	Or we walk away carrying a king size	43:17
	load of anger inside of us.	43:19
	And we add one more stone to the Berlin Walls that we build	43:29
	between us and other people at times.	43:32
	If the abilities to be honest and to listen attentively	43:41
	to another, respectfully taking him seriously,	43:43
	our abilities we don't use as effectively as we should,	43:48
	how can we cultivate them or reclaim them?	43:58
	Must we all get into discussion groups,	44:04
	such as I mentioned earlier?	44:06
	Many will choose to do that.	44:11
	Some, because of the complex nature of their difficulties,	44:14
	will have to get into specialized groups.	44:17
	Most of us are already in groups,	44:24
	family groups,	44:31
	worship groups,	44:34
	and work groups.	44:37
	We should try to use them more effectively.	44:43
	What are the important ingredients	44:50
	for doing this on our own?	44:51
	First, we must struggle to put into words and say aloud	44:56
	what we really feel rather than dwell	44:59
	only with the ideas that are being discussed.	45:01
	People become insensitive because they cease to be aware	45:06
	of or alert to the emotional commitments and investments	45:09
	that are in the ideas that are being discussed.	45:13
	Feelings, our emotions such as joy, sadness,	45:18
	anger, frustration, fear.	45:22
	And at times, these feelings are so strong that they must	45:27
	be dealt with before the ideas can be discussed.	45:30
	When a person is uptight, the ideas he communicates	45:36
	may actually be of no value other than vehicles	45:40
	for communicating his uptightness.	45:43
	The second ingredient is persistent effort to understand	45:51
	the nature and the origin of the feelings	45:55
	that are being experienced and put into words.	45:57
	If Lucy had explained why she was angry enough	46:05
	with Charlie Brown to want to poke him in the nose,	46:09
	she would undoubtedly have to point out to him how arbitrary	46:13
	and insensitive he seemed to be as he answered her question.	46:17
	This then would free Charlie Brown to speak	46:24
	honestly about whether he was arbitrary	46:26
	and insensitive because he couldn't help it,	46:30
	or whether he was just prompted to be that way when Lucy	46:35
	came at him with some of her entrapping questions,	46:39
	as she can do so well.	46:45
	The third ingredient for achieving more respectful honesty	46:51
	and attentiveness in our relationships is time.	46:55
	Time seems always to be behind us, pushing us and saying,	47:01
	move on, get busy, keep going.	47:05
	But loving a person takes time with undivided attention,	47:10
	loving a person needs time,	47:16
	loving a person, except in principle,	47:18
	is not possible without time to relate.	47:21
	People who engage in the group experience I have mentioned	47:29
	repeatedly state that they find the experiences	47:33
	to be very meaningful and fulfilling	47:36
	and well worth the struggle and pain.	47:38
	Some say that it is a new experience for them.	47:42
	Others say it is a much deeper, richer, and more intense	47:45
	experience of what goes on in everyday living.	47:50
	I suggest that those persons have succeeded in discovering	47:57
	anew what it means to love and be loved.	48:00
	They ceased making noise and began talking to each other.	48:08
	We can realize this more in every	48:16
	important relationship we maintain,	48:19
	but we must struggle and pay a price for it.	48:25
	Let us pray.	48:30
	Oh God our father, grant us the courage to talk	48:38
	with honesty, to listen sensitively	48:47
	as if we who talk and we who listen are worthy of it.	48:54
	And will be blessed and fulfilled by it.	49:05
	Amen.	49:11
	(liturgical choral music)	49:17
	Eternal God, giver of every good and perfect gift,	58:18
	who seekest above all thy gifts to give thyself to us,	58:23
	grant that with these token gifts of our hands,	58:28
	we may more fully give ourselves to thee	58:32
	in joyous obedience and service	58:35
	through Jesus Christ, our Lord.	58:38
	And now may the peace of God	58:47
	which passeth all understanding keep our hearts and minds	58:48
	and the knowledge and love of God, and the blessing of God	58:52
	almighty the father, the son, and the holy spirit,	58:56
	Rest upon us and abide with us now and evermore.	59:00
	(liturgical choral music)	59:10
	(liturgical organ music)	59:38

Item Info

Title:

Wesley Aitkin - "The Dangling Conversation" (March 23, 1969)

Permalink:

https://idn.duke.edu/ark:/87924/r4cf9p807

Date:

March 23, 1969

Speaker:

Aitken, P. Wesley

Contributor:

Duke University. Chapel

Identifier:

UA.17.01.0003 RR-0472
ref6149_zrp
uachapelsermaud
duke:628508
dcrau002463
ark:/87924/r4cf9p807
0eaef420-fa2e-42cc-a71d-21fa455c8674

Digital Collection:

Duke Chapel Recordings

Source Collection:

Duke University Chapel recordings, 1954-2005

Language:

English

Location:

United States
North Carolina
Durham (N.C.)

Format:

Provenance:

The Duke University Chapel Recordings were transferred to the Duke University Archives beginning in 1970.

Rights:

Limited Re-Use

CC BY-NC 4.0

Rights Note:

This recording may contain 3rd party materials, such as music or readings that are therefore not covered by the Creative Commons license indicated here. For more information see https://library.duke.edu/rubenstein/research/citations-and-permissions.

Sponsor:

Sponsor this Digital Collection

Wesley Aitkin - "The Dangling Conversation" (March 23, 1969)

Transcript

Item Info

Duke University Archives

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